He hit me with the reverse card like uno. I am trying to break toxic because thats the fucking buzz word of the century traits within myself when it comes to this marriage shit and especially as a black woman. I finally realized after college that love wasn’t a man being overly obsessed or possessive with me.
Thinking back I attracted some sociopaths not because I didn’t love myself or know my self worth as a black girl my mother made sure of that but because I had never seen what we suppose is a health love. At this big age I realize that giving shit definition fucks you up cause in all honesty who comes up with what’s right? Now we can go say look in the Bible and pull the Quran out but come on Mohammed had wives and if father Abraham had many sons that means he was fucking a lot bitches too, but back to the blog at hand. My man cause I love saying that, its something safe in saying my man in world that having just one person aint enough. We had a discussion cause ya girl is a firecracker per her definition . . . right?! This means that my emotions are explosive and not because I’ve been in toxic relationships cause I’ve only had three to be honest my high school sweetheart, my college disaster and my man. It comes from being the youngest child out a 8 grown ass sibling and I mean my oldest brother is 50 and me and my nieces are two fucking years a part. So having this mentality of now I am grown imma say what imma say is from my siblings and parents always reminding me that I am a CHILD jus to give yall background tea.
But again my man hit the reverse card like uno the other day. I was on my ya mean which is code for one of my I cant let shit go. Its like telling black folks to let go slavery cause white people are tired of white guilt I cant let up. He match energy he simple removed himself, and then came to talk to me. If you dont know me welcome cause I am the biggest cry baby, but also victimize myself not to take accountability for my part. A bitch is working on herself and like the old folks say “God aint through with me yet”.
My husband gentle told me that hollering wasn’t going to get it and emotional abuse starts without being vulnerable to take accountability with a mean streak. Baby, why did this man say abuse? But it hit me, all these years prior I thought that love like this was passionate not realizing I was a pig rolling around in my own mud and forcing him to roll with me without ever asking him did he like the mud. As a woman period, I didn’t believe that I wasn’t holding myself accountable for the tarnish I was putting on this fine ass man that loved me despite my own personal defect of not knowing when to shut the fuck up already. Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t advocate for myself (another fucking buzz word) but it means that I had to now do some internal work on how I was going to deliver my grammy nominate spills about the turmoil I was feeling, which probably even describing it this way was too much, but I fight with words. So, now I have to start operating in my delicate sunflower. I thought I was yall, but again life is literally about starting over and trying again and any moment and I don’t think we talk about that enough. Teaching taught me that I can change it and make it law for myself in others when I recognize those behavior don’t work here anymore. So, since I’ve always been the bitch to keep her man cause yall, I love mine and cant fake. Imma shut up like Smokey, but not out of being afraid of Debo but about doing the work my husband has been doing. I am jel cause I was supposed to the more enlightened and intend one, but bro has it and I aint mad at it. Bitch, do the work.. cry about it and then do it again. You’ll be shocked that the will to bend for the ones you love will ultimately make you a better person for the right reasons.